Author Topic: More Irish Jokes  (Read 594 times)

Peter Anderson

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More Irish Jokes
« on: April 28, 2017, 05:22:47 PM »
Mrs Muldoon was chatting with her friend, Mrs O'Shea, in the supermarket.   She said: "My Uncle Tom is after dying in Australia.   I had a letter from his executors in Sydney."        Mrs O'Shea said: "Ah, the poor man!    And what did they execute him for?"

Daly and Quinn met in the street, and Daly said: "You never ring me up at home."    Quinn said: "But you don't have a telephone."    Daly said: "I know I don't.....but you have!"

Sign outside the Dublin bus station.      "If you have nothing to do, don't do it around here!"

An American tourist asked Rooney, who was ploughing his field, what time it was.      Rooney said: "'Tis twelve o'clock, sir."    The American said: "Only twelve?  I thought it was much later than that."    Rooney said: "Oh, no, sir, it never gets later than that in these parts."     The American asked: "How's that?"    Rooney said: "Well, sir after twelve o'clock it goes back to one."

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2017, 04:22:08 PM »
Mulcahy was complaining to his landlady about the food.    He said: "I didn't like that pie you made."       His landlady said: "Listen here my boyo!   I was making pies since before you were born."    Mulcahy said: "Yes, and I think that was one of them!"

Another American tourist stopped his car in a small village and asked O'Hara: "Excuse me, can you tell me where this goes to?"      O'Hara replied: "It don't go nowhere.   It stays right here."

Teacher:   Mickey Finnegan, you're late again.
Mickey:   I'm sorry sir, 'tis the bus!    It's always coming late.
Teacher:   Well, if its late again tomorrow, catch an earlier one!"

Teacher:   What do you know about Good Friday?
Irish boy:   He did all the work for Robinson Crusoe!

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2017, 10:29:59 AM »
Casey and Flanagan had been to the circus and were talking about the thrills and marvels that they had seen.        "I didn't think much of the knife thrower, did you?" said Casey.     Flanagan replied: "I thought he was terrific!"      Casey said: "Well, I didn't!   He was throwing knives at that girl and he didn't hit her once!"

Father Murphy:   To do anything in this life you must start at the bottom.
Small Choirboy:   What about swimming, Father?"

Classified Ad in Irish Newspaper:   "For sale, leopard skin coat.   Condition - Spotless!"

As he was drilling a terrible batch of new recruits, the sergeant saw that Kennedy was marching out of step.   Going up to him as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?"      Kennedy said: "Well you tell 'em.   You're in charge!"

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2017, 02:45:54 PM »
Dear Abby letters

Dear Abby:      Our son Sean was married in January.     Five months later his wife Mary Kate had a ten pound baby girl.      They said the baby was premature.     Tell me, can a baby that big be that early?
Dear Wondering in Dublin:    The baby was on time.   The wedding was late!

Dear Abby:      I'm 44 and would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.
Abby:      So would I!

Dear Abby:      Between you and me, the people who write to you are either morons or they are just plain stupid.  Shamus
Dear Shamus:   Which are you?

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2017, 10:12:15 AM »
Teachers

Teacher:   Name 2 days of the week that begin with the letter T,   O'Malley
O'Malley:   Today and Tomorrow

Teacher:   Sean, Name the 4 seasons
Sean:   Salt, mustard, pepper and vinegar.

Boy in school:   Teacher, should someone be punished for something they haven't done.
Teacher:      No, of course not.
Boy:      Good, 'cos I haven't done my homework.

Teacher:      Give me 3 reasons why you know the earth is round?
The kid:      Ma says so,  Me dad says so   and   you say so.

Teacher:   What was Hitler's first name?
Child:   Heil!

Teacher:   Name two TV programmes about potatoes.
Child:   Chips and Mash.

Chemistry Teacher:    Murphy.  Give me the name of a liquid that wont freeze.
Murphy:      Hot water, Sir!

Father Murphy was paying a visit to a school and visiting each class in turn.    He walked into one class, beaming, greeted the children and said: "Well what shall I talk about?"      A little voice from the back growled: "About two minutes!"

Father Murphy, while visiting another school and giving a little talk to the children, said: "We are here to help others."      Little Tommy asked: "Please Father, what are the others here for?"

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2017, 12:29:39 PM »
O'Grady was the owner of a local drapery shop, and was ticking off one of his staff.    He said to her: "I saw you arguing with a customer!   Remember that in my shop the customer is always right.     Now, what were you arguing about?"            The girl said: "Well, sir, he said you were an idiot."

Old John Joe Mahockey, the meanest man in the village, was going a bit deaf, so Murphy advised him to get a hearing aid.      But when John Joe found out how much they cost, he decided against it.    Instead he attached a length of wire to his ear and let it dangle down under his coat.        Murphy said to him: "That can't do you much good."        John Joe said: "Oh, it does.    When people see it they talk louder!"

Cafe jokes.....

Rooney:   If this is plaice, then I'm an idiot.
Waiter:     You're right sir - it IS plaice."

Doolan:   Waiter, how long have you been working here?
Waiter:     Six months sir.
Doolan:   Ah, then it can't have been you who took my order.

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2017, 09:50:24 AM »
Mary Kate got a letter, and when she read it, she burst into tears.    Her friend, Maggie asked: "What's the matter?"    She said, "Glory be to God, but it's terrible.    It's my nephew, Michael.   He's got three feet!"      Maggie said: "Three feet, surely that's not possible."        Mary Kate said: "It must be.   His mother has written to tell me that he's grown another foot!"
   
Muldoon said: "I had a very sleepless night last night.    My wife was talking to herself in her sleep - and you know what she's like - she always likes to have the last word!"

O'Hara went to Flanagan's draper shop and said: "You told me that this pullover was all wool, but the label inside says 'Cotton'".     Flanagan said: "Well, you see, 'tis like this - we only put that on to fool the moths!"

1st passenger: (in the bus queue) Do you know how long the next bus will be?
2nd Passenger: About 25 feet!

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2017, 12:40:54 PM »
Notices and ads.

Sign in Irish pub:   Will customers please note that the large Polo mints in the lavatories are not to be eaten!

Sign in Irish chapel:    We regret that the box marked   "FOR THE SICK"   must be reserved henceforth for money contributions only.

Notice in  Irish Post Office:   Pens will not be provided until people stop taking them away.

Sign in Opticians window:   If you can't read this, come in and have your eyes tested -   you may need glasses.

Ad in paper:   For Sale: Tombstone.  Bargain for anyone named Murphy.

In a field in Co. Kerry, next to a large hospital, a sign read:
This site is reserved for a new Ophthalmic Department.
Underneath someone had scrawled - A site for sore eyes!

News item in local paper:
Danaher's bride walked up the aisle looking cheerful, serene and expectant!
   
Newsflash:
A government inquiry has just found out what Irish farm workers have for their lunch.    About three hours!

Sign in window of Mulligan's bar:   We accept resignations from Alcoholics Anonymous!

Police message:   Police are appealing for witnesses to a robbery at the National Bank on the corner of O'Connell Street and Dame Street in Dublin.   If you would like to witness this robbery, please try to be there by two o'clock tomorrow afternoon!

Headline in Newspaper:         Donegal police are trying to stop gambling, but it seems to have got a grip on them!

Newspaper in Dublin:   Thieves stole all the toilets from the local Police Station.    Police don't have a thing to go on.

Newspaper item in Galway:   A set of traffic lights were stolen in Galway yesterday.    Some thieves will stop at nothing.

Sign in O'Shea's shop:      God help those who help themselves.

Scrawled on a wall in Dublin:    Bad spellers of the world, youknight.

Ad in Wanted column:      Mature lady with dog seeks post!


Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2017, 05:30:04 PM »
More notices and ads.

Card in Galway shop window:   Furnished room wanted in quiet house with ample cupboard space for elderly lady!

Sign outside Murphy's dry cleaners:    Drop your trousers here for best results.

Sign in launderette in Galway:      When others are waiting, please remove your clothes as soon as the light goes out!

Sign outside a church in Co Cork:   No parking.    Trespasses will be prayed for!

Sign on Murphy's farm gate:      Trespassers are requested not to play with the adders!

Sign in Murphy's cafe:   Do not touch the food!

A sticker in a car window:   God give me patience - but hurry.

Ad in Irish newspaper:   Mickey Daley would like to thank the nurses of St Mary's Hospital for their kind help in the loss of his wife!

Sign outside a local hospital:         Caution - Guard dogs operating!

Hospital poster:   Please help our nurses home!

Sign in road outside local cemetery:         Dead      Slow

Ad in local newspaper:     The Hon. Mr. and Mrs. Montague Smythe invite you to the coming-out party of their only daughter, Felicity Jane, next Tuesday morning, Mountjoy Prison 11.30 a.m.

Ad:      Black and white kitten seeks good home - will do light mouse work!

Sign in shop window:   Murphy, furrier and taxidermist - Customer's own skins dried and dressed.

Headline in Galway:      Galway Police today arrested a camper and charged him with loitering within tent!

Ad in Donegal newspaper:      For Sale - Ford 1971 hearse.  Body in good condition.

Ad in Wicklow newspaper:      Wanted - woman to wash, iron and milk two cows

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2017, 05:41:58 PM »
Even more notices and ads.

Advert for a jewellers:   Rings can be ordered by post.    Simply state size required, or enclose string tied round your finger.

Shop sign:      Closing down. Thanks to all our customers.

Sign in barber's shop in Co Cork:   Home haircuts repaired!

Sign in Murphy's Undertakers:   Drive carefully - we don't mind waiting!

While outside Sullivan's undertakers they put up a sign that read:
Owing to staff holidays this month, we are forced to work with a skeleton staff.

And at a Galway undertakers a sign read:   Parking for clients only!

Sign in Co. Kildare:      Self-service Undertaker.

Sign in Doolan's paint shop:      Husbands choosing colours must have note from wife!

Sign outside church:   The publishers of the Bible are showing a prophet.

Sign in a Limerick hotel:   Please do not turn on the TV, except when in use.

Sign in Co. Kerry hotel:   Please do not lock the door, as we have lost the key!

And in the lift of a Co. Cork hotel:   Eight floor button is out of order.    Please push buttons 5 and 3.

Notice  outside a Social Club in Cork:   Closed tonight for official opening!

In Galway shop:   Haircuts half price today.   One per customer!

Notice in Doctor's waiting room in Co. Mayo:   Will patients please not exchange symptoms as this confuses the doctor!

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2017, 07:18:06 PM »
Epitaphs on tombstones, etc.

Here lies the body of Seamus O'Shaughnessy.  His widow Mary-Kate lives in Galway and yearns to be comforted.

This stone is erected to the memory of Tim Dooley who was drowned in the Lakes of Killarney by a few of his dearest friends.

Here lies the body of John Smith, an Englishman and a gentleman.
Murphy said: Never!   No gentleman would ever consent to be buried with an Englishman!

News item in local paper:
Danaher's bride walked up the aisle looking cheerful, serene and expectant!

On Tombstone in Co. Kerry:      This tombstone is erected in memory of Dan O'Grady, who was accidentally stabbed to death, as a token of abiding affection by his ever loving wife!

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #11 on: September 28, 2017, 04:14:45 PM »
O'Grady was talking to a very important customer on the telephone when all of a sudden, he accidently pulled the receiver too far, and the phone went crashing to the floor.      Panic stricken, O'Grady picked up the phone and asked into the phone with a trembling voice: "Are you hurt?"

A very nervous elderly lady was going up to the top floor of a very high building.   She said to Finnegan, the  lift operator: "If the lift cable broke, would I go up or down?"    Finnegan said: "Well, maam, that depends on the sort of life  you've been leading."

When the taxi stopped, the passenger gave Murphy a purse.  “I found it on the back seat,” he explained: “Someone must have left it behind.”       Murphy said: “No, I put it there.    There’s nothing in it, but you’d be surprised how many people choose to come into my taxi, when they see that purse.”

Fitzgibbon and Maloney went into a hotel to book a room for the night.    One of them was very drunk.         The manager said: “I’m afraid that you and your friend can’t stay here.   This is a temperance hotel.”       Maloney said: “Ah, don’t worry about that – he’s too far gone to notice!”

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2017, 11:40:09 AM »
The I.R.A. phoned Mahocky’s Pub and said: “There’s a bomb in your pub timed to go off in ten minutes.”      Mahocky put the phone down and shouted: “Last orders, please!”

O’Brien was in the casualty ward of the hospital when he was visited by the lady Mayoress of the city.   She said to him: “Now, my good man, where were you injured?”   O’Brien replied: “Well, Ma’am, let me put it this way – if you had been injured where I have been injured, you wouldn’t have been injured at all!”

A county Galway bartender was closing up for the night, when he found a customer lying under a table, so he propped him up against the bar.    When he turned round, the fellow had slid down onto the floor again.    So he picked him up, searched his pockets and found his name and address.     He put him in his car, drove him home, and carried him up to the front door.     To ring the doorbell, he propped him up against the wall, only to realise that he had slipped down on the ground again.    As he tried to lift him up, once more, the fellow’s wife opened the door and said: “Oh, thank God you’ve brought him home – but where’s his wheelchair?”

Mrs O’Malley brought her big lazy son to the local factory to ask the manager for a job for him.    The manager said: “I’m afraid that we don’t need much help just now.”       She immediately responded: “In that case, my son is just perfect for the job.    He wouldn’t be much help, either!"

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2017, 03:07:16 PM »
O’Dwyer told his little boy to go down to the chemist and buy half a pound of cockroach powder.  But he warned him not to tell the chemist what it was for.     The little boy bought the powder, and then asked the chemist: “Is this stuff any good for cockroaches?”   The chemist said: “No, it kills them!”

Mrs. Hartigan said to the doctor: “Is it true that sleeping out of doors will cure insomnia?”   The doctor said: “Sleeping anywhere will cure insomnia.”

Doolan was charged in court with attacking an Englishman with a razor.   He was acquitted because he hadn’t plugged it in!

The first time that Rooney saw a toupee in a shop window, he said to Quinn: “Isn’t it amazing how they can grow hair on that thing but not on your head.”

Peter Anderson

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Re: More Irish Jokes
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2017, 05:27:42 PM »
Mrs. Casey told her friend: “We were in Greece on holiday.   I went to see the Acropolis.”    Her friend replied: “Oh dear!  Have your feet been troubling you again?”

Mrs. Hoolahan told her husband that she wanted a surprise for her birthday, so he crept up behind her and shouted, “BOO!”

Daly became a policeman, and on his first day he arrested Sullivan.   Sullivan said: “What’s the charge?”    Daly said: “Oh, there’s no charge.   This is part of my job.”

O’Flaherty was giving evidence in a road accident case.      “Who was driving at the time of the accident?” asked the judge.   O’Flaherty said: “My wife was, your honour!”   The judge said: “And where were you at the time?”    O’Flaherty said: “I was behind the wheel!”