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Jokes / Quick One-Liners
« Last post by Hugh Wallington on June 19, 2018, 05:39:36 PM »
I just received an email from someone who says they can read maps backwards !!!!
But I think it's spam.

I used to be a schizophrenic - but we are both alright now.


Doctor: Your DNA tests came in backwards.
Me : AND ??

I said to my doctor, "I have got a problem with the hearing in one of my ears."
He said, "Are you sure?"
I said, "Yes, I'm definite."

Infamy, infamy .. they've all got in infamy.

My lack of Greek mythology will always be my Achillies elbow.

Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

Does acupuncture help with pins and needles?

Some pervert stole a pair of the wife's knickers off the washing line last night.  She's not bothered about the knickers but would like the twelve pegs back !

Scientists have grown vocal chords in a laboratory.

The results speak for themselves.

Contacted Gamblers Anonymous to check when my first meeting is. Its ten to one.

Why couldn't the organ player get into the church?
He forgot his keys.

Research has shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.

I said to the wife, "What's for dinner?"
She said, "Vera Lynn Pie".
I said, "Oh no, not .. Veal meat again .."

I have a Stradivarius and a Picasso at home. Unfortunately Stradivarius did the painting and Picasso made the violin.

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said "the super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"

I broke the thermostat on the sauna in the local convent. There were a lot of hot cross nuns.

"Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."
"Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage mixed with mayo."

All those of you who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand ...

Who knows where to go to weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow...
Weigh a pie ...

There are 3 types of people in the world.
Those who can count, and those who can't.

I'm so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes shut.

There are two things you can never eat for breakfast ..... Lunch and Dinner.

I have just visited the conjunctivitis website online, what a sight for sore eyes that was.

You show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.

I just found out I'm colour blind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?

My Grandfather invented the Cold Air Balloon... It never really took off.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

You canít lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnít come back, then what youíve lost is a pigeon.

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ĎThis could be interesting.'

A man is washing his car with his son when the boy says, "Dad, canít we use a sponge?"

My mate hates it when I put his chocolate bars in different wrappers. He gets his Snickers in a Twix.

How do you console someone with bad grammar?
Their they're there.

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well thatís a little condescending.

The fact that there is a Highway to Hell and only a Stairway to Heaven, says a lot about the anticipated traffic.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

The owner of Odeon cinemas died today His funeral will be held next Monday at 2.10pm, 4.10pm, 6.30pm & 8.15pm.

Have to report yet another death, because, sad to say, the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair will behold at 12 moon next Monkey.

My inferiority complex isn't as good as yours.

Is there a Philip in this group? If so, can you tell him I've found his screwdriver ....

They think I'm paranoid. They talk about it behind my back.

How do so many people get simple sayings wrong? Answers on a coastguard.

Britainís top cop Cressida Dick wants tougher sentences to deter violent teens from criminal lifestyle"

How about:
"Hubert Blaine Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorff was innoculated for pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"

I was stopped by a policeman last night who asked me where I was between 5 and 7
Apparently infant school was not the right answer.

When you feel you are a fool it is better not to open your mouth and prove it.

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison.
Headline in the morning paper:
"Small medium at large".

General Interest / Re: The AR Story
« Last post by Ian and Bev Harrison on June 18, 2018, 07:34:19 AM »
Hi Peter,
Can you scan it and create a pdf of this story.  I'm sure many of us would be interested and have no access to the original publication.
Keep the music playing.
Peter's Pearls / Re: No__88___Pedal Exercises
« Last post by Peter Anderson on June 17, 2018, 01:31:29 PM »
May I suggest that before playing any of these exercises on your Pedal Board, you actually play them on your Lower Keyboard.

There are two reasons for this.

1.      It will get you used to reading the bass clef
                          If it helps, pencil in the names of the notes, so that you get used to recognising them.

but more importantly,

2.      You will hear what the pieces are supposed to sound like.   
                         So when you play the exercises on your keyboard, you will listen to the notes
                         and not be tempted to look at your feet or the pedals.

Break the habit of wanting to look down at your pedals

General Interest / Re: The AR Story
« Last post by Peter Anderson on June 17, 2018, 01:26:15 PM »
Thank you for this Peter.  I'll try to obtain a copy.
Peter's Pearls / Re: No__77____Glossary Of Musical Terms
« Last post by Peter Anderson on June 17, 2018, 01:21:08 PM »
I am away in Ireland AR present, but will add this when I return home.  Thank you Roger.
For Sale / Floppy disks, blank and commercial ones
« Last post by Ken Horton on June 16, 2018, 02:04:13 PM »
Due to a change of instrument unfortunately I have no use for my used floppy disks, there are about 20  of them but I did re format all and did throw out those which would not perform first  ! there are also 8 brand new disks in the total of 30.

Yours for the asking just pay the postage.

Also I have 6 commercial  disks as detailed below

 Strawberry music disks  for Technics GA and G100 organs hardly used

Theatre organ player 2  , sounds to suit  Pasa, Saunter, Samba, Vienna, Sing Along, Promenade, Militair, Quickstep, Two step. 

 GA master class with Alec leader, sound registrations for 6 types of Theatre, 2 classical and 2 Traditional. 
 Patterns and Registrations Vol 2, 10 rhythm and accompaniments  for Mod ballad, Samba rock, Slow Fox,  Rock & Roll,   Slow Waltz,   Cha Cha,  Ballad,   Reggae,   Beguine,  Dance 1

United States of America Vol 1  rhythm backings for 10 most popular tunes,

United States of America Vol 2 10 rhythm backings for marches.

Glen Miller 10 selected tunes to play along with or use the registration for other tunes.

I, home made  disk copy of Mr Dixon and cinema . thrown in free  the original cost of the disks was £12.79 each earlier this year

Make an offer.  ll or any part  Ken
General Interest / The AR Story
« Last post by Peter Slack on June 11, 2018, 08:00:45 PM »
Hi all

There is a very interesting article in the July/Aug edition of Organ And Keyboard Cavalcade, pages 24 - 27.
The Inside Track, ĎThe AR Storyí by Andy Carvill.

Tells the story of the development of the AR from the prospective of Andy Carvill, Electone Product Manager.

Peter S

Jokes / The Adoption Agency
« Last post by Hugh Wallington on June 08, 2018, 05:02:04 PM »
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. 

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.  The couple produce photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."
Jokes / Koi (fish)
« Last post by Hugh Wallington on June 08, 2018, 04:58:40 PM »
Back in Biblical days after the great flood,God speaks to Noah.

He says "Noah, now that the ark is empty, I want you to make it bigger"

Noah replies "Your wish is my command My Lord, what do you need"?

God says "Noah, I want you to add another twenty decks to the ark and fill it with fish"

Noah says "It will be done My Lord, what fish would you like"?

God says "I want it full of Koi, Noah"

Noah replies "Why just Koi, My Lord"?

God says "Because I want a multi-storey carp ark"
Jokes / Simon and ....
« Last post by Hugh Wallington on June 08, 2018, 04:55:14 PM »
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.
"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.
"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.  I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."
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