The aeroplane was on one of it's routine holiday flights, but what was unusual was the number of blondes on board .. and just one brunette.

Then they hit some really nasty weather and the aircraft was bumping about all over the place.  As they tried to clear the mountain top, the aircraft plunged and clipped the top of the mountain .. which completely ripped off the bottom of the plane.  The passengers were all hanging on by anything they could grab hold of, luggage racks .. anything that was still attached to the aircraft.

The pilot's voice came over the speaker system ...

"We're doing OK, but the weight of the aircraft is just too much to bring this plane in to land safely.  I need just one person to bale out so we get that extra 'lift'.  If this doesn't happen the plane will crash killing everyone on board."

There was a deathly silence .. then eventually the brunette piped up,

"What the hell.  OK, I'll do it."

And all the blondes clapped in approval ... !

Obviously he hadn't heard of Auto-Tune software.
Neither had I until last week's X factor declaration.

Sometimes I could do with this package for my AR.

In 47 B.C.  Julius Caesar commenting on his short war with  Pharnaces is reckoned to have said, though it is suggested he said this on his arrival in Britain(?),
                  “Veni, Vidi, Vici.”    
                                   This translates as, “I came,  I saw, I conquered.”

In modern days, my wife in keeping with many of the fair sex is attributed with saying,
                   “Veni, Vidi, Visa.”    
                                   This translates as, “I came,  I saw, I shopped.”

A cargo boat ran into some rocks and was grounded.

The cargo was red paint and black paint.

All the crew were marooned...

Ron

Irishman

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . . .  .

"Hands off!! " she said,  "they're for the funeral!!

Another wife phoned her husband at work.

"I want to tell you about the car", she said.

                    "What about it?"

"I have good news and bad news.   Which do you want first?"

                   "The good news, please."

"Well," she replied, "The good news is, the air bag works!"

What with the Noah story, and all the extra rain we seem to be having around the world, it reminded me of ........

A husband came home from work and his wife told him, "The car won't start!"

                             "What do you mean the car won't start?   What's wrong with it?"

"It's got water in the carburettor!"

                             "What do you mean, it's got water in the carburettor?     Where's the car?"

......




"In the swimming pool!"

God got that right!!!!!

Cheers

Ian

NOAH  

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia , and said:

Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.  Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.  He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.

I needed a building permit.

I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.  We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.  I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.  I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.  They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.  They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'


 

 Dear  Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps.  It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It  wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left.  Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,  he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't  any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.